odds not looking good...

after continued rest (two and a half weeks without running properly now), cross training, excessive icing, NSAID's (i think thats right), stretching, a masseur, self massage (enough to really bruise my shin quite a bit), and generally focusing all of my thoughts and actions on trying to fix my shin, it's still not really improved. Managed a mile run this morning. Managed a very slow mile run this lunchtime after 40minutes on the exercise bike (so I was definitely warm).

No pain at first but then after about half a mile it starts to kick in and builds and starts to get to a point where it’s painful to run, and then keeps building and it just becomes a question of how much pain I really want to endure. Stopping and stretching for a minute allows me to then run another half mile or mile before I have to stop again... i initially thought it was anterior shin splints, and it still might just be that... a tear in the muscle maybe, or the muscle having torn directly off the tibia, and the bone scan ruled out a stress fracture. maybe compartment syndrome? If all of the swelling has gotten so bad I suppose that could be it? I just don't know. It's the first injury I've ever had since I started running properly (last two years or so) that had required this much layoff... and it's depressing that it's not fixing itself. Everything else I've asked of my body over the last year or so, my body has responded. I've fuelled it well. I've rested it. I've given it better food and less bad stuff (hardly drinking at all) and made sacrifices so that I can sleep more and spend more time with my feet up and in a certain way I feel a little bit let down.

Yep.. great... an injury shows that at least I'm pushing towards my potential. How do you know your pushing yourself towards your limits unless you fail on in a while. If you're not failing, you're not trying hard enough. It just a huge disappointment. I wanted a time in London that would reflect how hard I'd worked and how much effort I'd put in. Chances are, I won't even be able to line up at the start. You can have as many positive thoughts as you want... setting future goals, seeing it as an opportunity to build up strength for summer training (starting to do a lots of weights as part of the cross training), learn how much I need to add weights and stretching and strides/exercises to my training in order to do the sort of mileage I want to do. I can use the disappointment to fuel my desire to run well in future races... and yes, it's only a race. it's only running. it's not like I've lost a leg in an accident and johnny will never play piano again. all this positive stuff, all of this looking on the bright side... doesn't mean i don't feel completely devastated right now.